I have lived experience of sibling abuse. I was physically and verbally abused by my brother between 8-11 years old. The verbal abuse went longer.

My brother was once taken by police to a foster home for hitting me. Days later he showed up at my classroom door looking for the house keys. I’d actually love to have that scenario included in a book, play or movie because I’m so alone in that experience and it’d help confirm keeping schools locked up. This was spring 1995; they locked up the school fall 1995. I’m so proud of little 12-year old me lying about not having the house keys and then asking the teacher if I could stay at school, knowing he’d be on my walking route home. 

Removing me from the home would have helped. The support of aunts, uncles and cousins would also have helped but my mom swept it under the rug and my dad was far removed from the situation, physically in another province, and emotionally not available (he abused my mom, and it’s how my brother learnt this). I only ever felt protected when an uncle came over after my mom called him for help. Later in life when I explained that to her, she said she disagreed with his actions. I’ve since thanked him.

Even as adults, my brother would give me a horrible glance, terrifying me. At a family event in 2019, I saw my then 5-year old daughter sit at a table with him. Five minutes later she came up to me and gave me the tiniest most painful pinch (one of his moves). I knew then and there I was officially done with him (and his wife who seems so kind but I never bothered to get close with because of her connection to him). I cut him off for good in 2020.

He’s the golden child to my mom and she repeats “I wish you two would just get along”, like, no shit. I wish he didn’t take the first punch. Yes, he observed this from my dad to my mom, but I’m still a victim of his actions so I have zero empathy for him. She’s also said she thinks he’s done therapy as she’s seen some changes in him. Alright, so where is my phone call to apologize? So yeah, I’ve cut her off now too. It sucks but I no longer fool myself daily chasing after a positive relationship with them. 

I grew up to be a people pleaser. I kept trying to win his love, do things differently, win him over. Finally, at 36, I had to take time off work to heal. I’ve been on and off sick leave the past six years but finally have a good fit with a trauma counsellor who is validating so much.

What I think needs to change is when talking about domestic abuse, include sibling abuse in the discussion. It.is.domestic.abuse. Normalize it by including the topic when discussing sibling rivalry.