Here are your stories.
Thank you for sharing, for joining the conversation, for inviting others to tell their stories too.
This is where change can begin. One story at a time.
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If you would like to share your story, please click the link below the stories.
While the trauma of transitioning from the womb to this world we live in is quickly forgotten, we begin learning right away as we grow, primarily from our mother, father and siblings.
I recall during my youth while growing up in my dysfunctional, immigrant family how my sister would tell me on some various occasion(s) that the worst kind of abuse is psychological.
She’d go on to explain how physical abuse is limited to evident harm which can be diagnosed, treated and healed, but that psychological harm is much more difficult to notice, identify and heal.
At the time, I comprehended the concept she was presenting, but many decades later, I finally understand precisely what she meant.
Unfortunately, it took a lifetime to endure, but also to begin unravelling the harm she had been doing to me (directly and also by adversely influencing other family members) my whole life long, but as an added bonus to discover the reasons why.
While humorously, in most instances, it is commonly said, “ignorance is bliss”, though even that kind of bliss can be itself harmful and painful in untold ways, it is also true that “the truth shall set you free”.
While discovering such truths can themselves also be very painful, maybe even dismissed to avoid the pain, I find it a far better journey to absorb the pain, as though deliberately swallowing something dreadfully awful, or more precisely like going through the trauma of birth – emerging from one reality and starting life anew.
By facing certain truths that can be difficult to stomach, knowing what you’re dealing with is empowering, because it enables one to separate oneself from the chaff that has built up and cluttered one’s own perception. However, born is the opportunity to revise one’s perception of oneself, and that’s the beautiful thing.
One only knows when they’ve landed on the truth when everything suddenly begins making sense, but to get there requires willingness to ‘entertain’ ideas that are themselves, challenging.
So, while embarking on this new journey of discovery and adventure, I hear Me telling myself what amounts to a short poem where its title appears at the end, and is one I’d like to share with others:
Think of the Wonder
That is within you
That so many others
Sought to suppress
Or destroy
For what is lacking in them
Must be rich in you
So,
Enjoy
Learn Anew
Yes, I am a survivor of sibling abuse! My sister, much older and stronger than me, beat me for years. She hit me, dug her fingernails into my arms until they bled (the scars are still there and I’m in my 50s), pulled my hair out of my head, and would also tickle me in a way that was torturous. When I got bigger and was about her size, she began to mentally and verbally abuse me instead. At the age of about 24 I decided to cut her out of my life forever, and have not spoken to her since.
My parents allowed my sister to do this to me and when I went to them (often bleeding terribly) my mother would say “She’s just jealous”. What a disaster of a childhood I had, and my adult life has been very, very difficult.
The abuse from my sister made me scared all the time, and I was very introverted. I did not like my family and spent a lot of time in my room alone. I had a terrible time controlling my emotions and letting others know what I needed or what I was feeling.
YES, it impacts me now. I was never able to keep a romantic relationship going. I am lonely, I am an introvert, and I am very much a loner.
It was the 1970s and 80s, so I had no resources at all to help me through this. No one talked about mental health or abuse. It was shameful and a huge secret.
I wish my parents could have helped me, but they didn’t. They defended my sister, the abuser.
What has helped me come this far, to be able to share my story? Gosh, just the world changing, I think. Speaking about abuse has become accepted, and sharing seems to be so healing.
I do believe that parents need more education about sibling abuse. There needs to be a way to get a child out of a house where a sibling is abusing another one. Teachers and doctors should be mandated to report this abuse if they hear about it happening.
My life has been so affected by this, you can’t even imagine. I have had a horrible time at jobs, with relationships, keeping friends, etc.
I guess I was in danger for so much of my early life that I have not been able to shake that feeling.
I am a 68-year old woman who experienced emotional and physical abuse from my brothers as a child. One brother was particularly cruel. He is five years older than I am. From about age 8 through to age 13 he frequently hit me, causing me quite a bit of pain. He verbally abused me whenever he could. He called me stupid, ugly, uncoordinated, and a “faggot” even though I was a girl!
My other two brothers also took part in verbal abuse — ignoring me or belittling me. One brother who is 10 years older performed a sexual “examination” of me with his friend at around age 4. When I was about 15 or 16 he tried to have sex with me and I ran away and got away from him.
My parents did little to defend me and my mother frequently sided with my brothers in making fun of me. She never warmed up to me and I lived a life of more or less constant criticism and rejection. Even on her deathbed (2011) she told me I was the “weirdest” person she had ever known. I was never “enough’. My impression as a girl was that my mother was grooming me to marry a rich man. We lived next door to a wealthy family and from a very young age she would say, “You’re going to grow up and marry Steve ____” even though I hardly knew him and what I did know I didn’t really like …. It made me feel as if I was put on earth to cater to her needs, like I was being “pimped out”!
I think my mother’s lack of love and caring gave my brothers a kind of permission to be abusive towards me.
Because of the abuse, I became hyper. I couldn’t sit still in school. I couldn’t pay attention. I was sure that I was mentally defective. One example: I was sent to a day camp when I was 8 and I was convinced it was a camp (in my 8-year old mind) for “retarded” children. I was so happy and relieved when I got there to find that the children at the camp were “normal”. Teachers couldn’t cope with me … calling my mother and asking her, “was I getting enough attention?” and my mother being furious for the intrusion. I thought I was defective. My third-grade teacher told me I needed, “to turn over a new leaf” –I was so confused because I didn’t know what to change about myself.
Real support and love was in short supply.
And now, I grieve my childhood and the abuse I suffered and how it impacted my life: searching for recognition, affection and connection. I have always had trouble with intimate relationships and seek isolation for solace. I started using drugs when I was 14/15 and continued in varying degrees using marijuana mostly throughout my life. Substance abuse with marijuana has been a struggle most of my life. As an adult I have had multiple co-dependent relationships. Married and divorced twice. I tried to address my issues throughout my life: seeing therapists for example … but I never stuck with it. I always came up with a reason to stop therapy. Throughout my life I have had difficulty making career plans, and following through on promises and intentions and despite myself I ended up having a pretty successful career. I have always had trouble making decisions, especially life decisions. I still have trouble making future plans for myself. I resist change even when circumstances no longer serve me. I have had a pattern of rejecting people without explanation — to cut them out of my life, and to use them, unintentionally for the most part, for my own emotional needs and/or if they are critical or thoughtless to cut them out without explanation. I am still overly concerned with what people think of me, being criticized and/or being “liked.” I have not always been attentive to my physical and emotional needs, like in the area of self-care.
I don’t really know how I got through it. I do have a strong will, but the combination of my brothers and my cynical and critical mother was often too much for me. I was criticized by my mother for crying too much. To calm myself I sought out places in nature where I could imagine being loved and cared for. I still seek relief in nature. I enjoyed swimming and skiing. I am a musician and making music calmed me down and made me happy. Later in adolescence, marijuana and other drugs were used to numb the pain and this came at quite a cost — lost friends, jobs, opportunities, decisions made in haste etc. I felt I was “on my own” and as an adult when I tried to tell some of my family about my experience (I’ve never confronted my brothers) it was met with ridicule and denial.
What else would have helped me at that time?
A loving, supportive and accepting mother.
Consequences for my abusive brothers.
A strong and involved father.
Teachers to step in and ask more questions…someone to say, “what is really going on here?”
Hearing or reading about others who have gone through similar experiences and who have used similar coping mechanisms has been a tremendous help. Accepting myself, taking care of myself, and being in nature is healing for me. I am about to start therapy … again. I think this time I have more awareness and knowledge and I commit to my healing.
There needs to be more awareness among the general public of the harmful and life-long damage done to children when they experience sibling abuse; it is especially harmful to young girls — and especially for those in my generation having been brought up to be “ladylike”, “conforming” and to “marry well” — as having multiple romantic partners and not adhering to society’s norm results in further alienation and being ostracized and labeled.
Do I have lived experience with sibling abuse? Yes, I think so. My older brother would belittle and laugh at me constantly, often blow up in rages and occasionally get physical. He would also describe me in unflattering terms to other family whenever he could, sometimes lying about it.
I got very depressed as a teenager but I didn’t know why. I am very poor at establishing boundaries to this day and it has led to all my romantic relationships failing. I have a lot of anger, and have let people walk all over me and I get mad about that as well.
My family was otherwise loving, unfortunately they treated it as unfortunate but normal. What would have helped is if they realized how damaging it could be.
What do I think needs to change? Incessant belittling needs to be recognized. It does intense damage, especially over time.
It took me a very long time to put all of the pieces together. I always knew I was treated badly for a period by my brother (and still am now), and of COURSE it’s abuse… my parents downplayed it in a way that delayed me realizing the impact of it.
I have lived experience of sibling abuse. I was physically and verbally abused by my brother between 8-11 years old. The verbal abuse went longer.
My brother was once taken by police to a foster home for hitting me. Days later he showed up at my classroom door looking for the house keys. I’d actually love to have that scenario included in a book, play or movie because I’m so alone in that experience and it’d help confirm keeping schools locked up. This was spring 1995; they locked up the school fall 1995. I’m so proud of little 12-year old me lying about not having the house keys and then asking the teacher if I could stay at school, knowing he’d be on my walking route home.
Removing me from the home would have helped. The support of aunts, uncles and cousins would also have helped but my mom swept it under the rug and my dad was far removed from the situation, physically in another province, and emotionally not available (he abused my mom, and it’s how my brother learnt this). I only ever felt protected when an uncle came over after my mom called him for help. Later in life when I explained that to her, she said she disagreed with his actions. I’ve since thanked him.
Even as adults, my brother would give me a horrible glance, terrifying me. At a family event in 2019, I saw my then 5-year old daughter sit at a table with him. Five minutes later she came up to me and gave me the tiniest most painful pinch (one of his moves). I knew then and there I was officially done with him (and his wife who seems so kind but I never bothered to get close with because of her connection to him). I cut him off for good in 2020.
He’s the golden child to my mom and she repeats “I wish you two would just get along”, like, no shit. I wish he didn’t take the first punch. Yes, he observed this from my dad to my mom, but I’m still a victim of his actions so I have zero empathy for him. She’s also said she thinks he’s done therapy as she’s seen some changes in him. Alright, so where is my phone call to apologize? So yeah, I’ve cut her off now too. It sucks but I no longer fool myself daily chasing after a positive relationship with them.
I grew up to be a people pleaser. I kept trying to win his love, do things differently, win him over. Finally, at 36, I had to take time off work to heal. I’ve been on and off sick leave the past six years but finally have a good fit with a trauma counsellor who is validating so much.
What I think needs to change is when talking about domestic abuse, include sibling abuse in the discussion. It. Is. Domestic. Abuse. Normalize it by including the topic when discussing sibling rivalry.
