“The AUDACITY!” That’s what I’m hearing these days. It’s the latest in a lifetime of criticism from one of the many voices in my head. I’m happy to say, they’ve diminished significantly, in frequency, tone, and weight. But every once in a while … I hear them … whispering to me. They’re subtle now, because I’m on to them. But things like significant change or big events will bring them back to life.
In the last hours before SiblingAbuse.ca launches, I hear it. “Who do you think you are? Some expert?” “SiblingAbuse.ca sounds like an official organization, with lots of people behind it, professionals, real professionals. NOT you!” “How dare you?!” “You’re gonna get caught, y’know. You can’t really do this. Who do you think you are?!?” (Ahhh, yes, now we are venturing into Imposter Syndrome territory…) “The AUDACITY!”
Like many survivors of childhood abuse, the message to stay small – or even invisible – is etched in. Once a way to survive – “If I’m really quiet, I won’t make them angry and they won’t hurt me!” – it becomes a part of our personality, unless we work hard to change it. So doing something big and bold can be a trigger. I know I am on the verge of becoming dysregulated; there’s a panic, sitting on the edge of my psyche, threatening to become overwhelming anxiety. And right behind that, the shutdown: eat, go to bed, get up and eat some more, sleep, ignore, distract, pretend it isn’t happening, none of this is happening. Because I can’t do it!!! Who the hell do I think I am?!!?
But I have choice now … I breathe ….. slow down … and look … like I’m watching a movie that has several possible endings. I can choose.
I’ve been given this mission, it seems, to raise awareness of sibling abuse. I’ve written and produced a play. I’ve changed many elements of my life recently so it’s simpler, with less complications to distract me from this work. The work that I’ve had the audacity to take on.
As the clock ticks, and the launch gets closer, I’m choosing the ending that doesn’t have me crying in anxiety or wallowing in fear. I’m embracing the opportunity that was presented when the domain name, “siblingabuse.ca” was available. I’m honouring the ideas that come forth. I didn’t think I could write and produce a play, but I did, didn’t I? And with a phenomenal cast, director and creative team, incredible supporters, sponsors and donors, it was a great success. How did that all happen?
Trust. Faith. Work. Commitment. Audacity.
I’m going with that.
Someone once told me, “You can dream as big as you want”. I remember feeling shocked by that possibility. But I’m learning to dream big, to think big. I understand now that the past is in the past, that those voices in our heads were once there to protect us, but that maybe we don’t need them anymore. We can unlearn the lies we learned long, long ago, thank those voices for taking care of us when we needed them, and make space for other thoughts, other words. We can celebrate finding and becoming our truest selves, the bright lights we were born to be – audacity and all!
So … welcome to SiblingAbuse.ca, and thank you for being here! I look forward to spending time with you!