I’ve had the honour of being interviewed for two podcasts about sibling abuse. The first one was with Dr. Linda Baker, the former Director of CREVAWC, the Centre for Research and Education on Violence Against Women and Children at Western University in London, Ontario, Canada. It was released many months ago, and I’ve yet to share it or link it to my website. Why? What’s taken me so long? Why is one part of me so open about being a survivor of sibling abuse, and another locked in old patterns, with shame and guilt holding their wrinkled, arthritic hands across my mouth and keeping my fingers off the keyboard, telling me it’s still not okay to speak out?
I believe it’s because the wounds, the patterns, and the old programming to remain silent run deep. I might be willing, but the little girl that was harmed is scared. She needs to stay hidden. She can’t be … vulnerable.
When recording the most recent podcast, “What Would Dr. Meyers Do?” the host, Dr. Amy Meyers spoke of vulnerability, and the courage it takes to be vulnerable. Initially, I was confused … “What? I’m not vulnerable. I’m just telling the truth. That doesn’t require vulnerability. And I’m certainly not courageous.”
It wasn’t until I heard the recording that the damn broke. It’s one thing to speak the truth; it’s another for it to be out there in the world, permanently on record, potentially heard by everyone. The shame of sharing those stories, of ‘outing’ my family and their behaviours, the feeling of ‘I don’t have the right to do that’ and whispers of “You’re so selfish” were haunting me. And layered on top of that were all the self-criticisms, the old messages that go alongside being a survivor – it’s terrible, I’m terrible, nobody wants to hear it, I’m stupid, inarticulate, unworthy. Not good enough.
I was stuck there for days. I realized yup, that’s vulnerability, and, at the same time, why courage is required. I risk being told I am lying, being disloyal to the very people who brought me into the world, yet didn’t protect me. I’m tearing apart the notion of The Sacredness of The Family.
I recognized that these are the very reasons I must speak out.
Silence is what harms us. It is what keeps us small and invisible. But we need to find our voice in order to heal. In order to make change. That requires being vulnerable. And that requires courage.
When you’re a survivor of sibling abuse – or other forms of abuse – it’s not unusual to deny positive words and attributes, anything that sounds like “courage” or “strength”. Many of us can still get stuck in the spoken or unspoken messages of the perpetrators that we internalized. “You’re not good enough. You have no control – you are under my control.” It’s not unusual to beat ourselves up, even, perhaps especially as we work towards healing.
Light peeked through the cracks in those days of shame and unworthiness. I remembered, once again, the power I actually do hold: the power of standing back and seeing the lies – the programming – that would have me destroy myself; the power of going inward, meditating, remembering that I can connect with my Self, choose self-compassion and honour the little girl that has lived that cycle so many times – and although I want to say “too many times”, I recognize that healing takes as long as it takes.
And so I strive to honour the vulnerability and courage that is required to speak openly and publicly, to create a play, to write this and invite people to read and comment. I can finally acknowledge that I must do it for me, to heal, to value myself.
But more importantly, I know that in doing these things, it makes it easier for others to do so. I think back to how desperate I was to find other survivors of sibling abuse and found none. But by speaking out, I have. I know now I am not alone. We are here, with and for each other. I invite you to be vulnerable. Share your story – you can do that here, with or without your name. But own it. It’s how we can break the silence of sibling abuse.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.
Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
– Brené Brown, speaker, writer, professor and vulnerability expert
Soooo … Here are the podcasts. I’d love to hear your comments.
More Than “Sibling Rivalry”: Understanding and Addressing Sibling Abuse with Dr. Linda Baker
Dr. Linda Baker is one of the most passionate people I’ve met, deeply committed to raising awareness, increasing knowledge and advocating on behalf of women and children impacted by family violence. I am deeply grateful to Dr. Baker, CREVAWC and the resources available on their Learning Network. Linda was a great supporter of my play, Broken Branches, and was one of my guests in a post-performance talkback. It was such a gift to be a guest on Little Eyes, Little Ears; Centering Children & Youth in GBV Work.
What Would Dr. Meyers Do? with Dr. Amy Meyers
Dr. Amy Meyers is a psychotherapist and university professor, and her podcast, What Would Dr. Meyers Do? ‘pulls back the curtain’ on many aspects of psychotherapy, from the therapist’s perspective. Interspersed with these are episodes dedicated to sibling abuse. With her years of clinical practice and teaching, combined with lived SA experience (and having done her PhD on the issue), her expertise is vast. She discusses various psychological theories as they relate to SA … causes, impact and everything in between, including interviewing people with lived experience. It was great to be in conversation with her!
Here is the link to all the podcast options. Look for Episode #105 and Episode #106 (parts 1 & 2, the Spotify link)
Watch on YouTube.